Bad Bad girl
I have been a very bad girl as of late.
I am usually a good girl, but not in recent months. Not, say, since March 10th of this year.
I am not a quiet or shy girl. I’m not the girl who is afraid to speak her mind. I am definitely not the girl who thinks before she speaks. And with 1000% certainty, I am not a girl who has only a few small opinions. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact!
But since my last blog post I have become a girl who censors herself, and questions herself. Not about graphic design. Not about gorgeous wedding invitations. Not even about being a mom. About blogging.
I seem to be a girl who is a little perplexed in the blogging department and can’t find my way out of this hole. My blog is like a blank white canvas with no marks on it… too perfect, shiny and pristine to “attack” and “dirty”.
When I was at the Art Institute of Chicago in 1994 I had a painting teacher named Yee Jan Bao. Yee Jan played the role of painting teacher/philosopher and we, as freshman students, ate it all up! With each class we learned about new painting tips and techniques, new materials, new methods, all the while listening to his sage-like philosophies on painting and life. During my class with him, he said something to me that I have never forgotten. I may be paraphrasing here but it went something like this: “Never paint things you love. Always paint things that you don’t like because then it will never get precious and you will never feel scared to make marks. That’s why I love to paint bugs. I hate bugs”
I need a bug. A big one. And I need someone to squish it on my blog and make a mess!
When I started my blog, I was pretty sure that I would be able to fill page after page with design-related content. I wanted to be a cool, hip design blog about projects, thoughts and the like. I didn’t want to write every day, but I wanted to write when the feeling hit, when the iron was hot, and tell the world about what I saw and what I did and what I was thinking. But the whole time I told myself it had to be about design.
Well, design isn’t the only thing in my life – it’s only one little bit of who I am. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a girl who used to leave dishes in the sink but doesn’t anymore. I am a girl who had to have 2 screwdrivers on the plane today because my husband wasn’t with me to hold my hand. I am lots of things and apparently I compartmentalize all of these things and don’t let the different colors touch each other on the plate. Yee Jan would be very upset!
Every time I think of writing something, I hear myself saying it’s not “design-y” enough, or it’s “too” mom-focused, or maybe it’ll just sound like I’m patting myself on the back for a job well done. This is hard for me because I want to be as good at this blog as I am at designing invitations (yes, I just patted myself on the back, but I’m sure you’ll all indulge me this once!) but the lines are blurry and I like things all neat and tidy.
So, moving forward, I will try to write more and censor less. I will try to “make marks” (or “press keys”) and see what happens.